And the Winner is...

SARAH!!!!

Thanks for all your funny comments!

Sarah wins some dishwasher soap!  I order it monthly from Melaleuca.  It's A-MA-ZING.  Even the expensive brand from the store doesn't get my dishes this clean and spot-free.  It's also totally natural I know there is no dangerous soap residue left behind.  Enjoy Sarah!! 

Do you ever wake up with a comic strip idea in your mind?

...cause I do.  For some reason I woke up a couple of weeks ago with all these little comics about fish running swimming through my mind.  Strange I know, but I am what I am.

Originally I was going to share them on my blog and allow others to give me small patronizing courtesy laughs, but instead I have decided to let ALL my readers (aka Mom, Mindy, and Sarah...and possibly a few stalkers) see what their own imaginations can come up with.  I have commissioned a world renowned artist (Annie) to draw the pictures and I will let YOU come up with a caption.  I will share my own caption at a later time.  Should I do a drawing for a fabulous prize?  Yes, yes I should.  OK, leave a comment with your own caption and I will do a drawing.  The prize will be a house hold product that has changed my life.  Ready,...Set,....Be Funny!!!

An Oldie but Goodie that needs to be shared

This is a story I have shared at parties or with friends, but I haven't ever written it down....

This is something my sister Mindy said when she was a young teen.  Because Mindy is older than I am  I didn't understand why it made my parents laugh so hard.  I understand now.

When our family moved from the big city, (Orem) to the small farming city of Delta, Mindy looked out her car window. As we passed the fields of Alf alfa she said,  "It's so cool to see all the farmers out on their concubines."
She meant to say combines.

When the cat's taking a nap, the mice will play.

As Jack and I were sitting on the floor playing with trucks, I found myself feeling tired.  I saw that Jack was engrossed with his own little game so I closed my eyes for a minute.  I didn't mean to fall asleep but when sounds of truck playing turned into silence I knew I had dozed off.  I woke up with a start and realized Jack wasn't there.  I called to him.  He came running in and I noticed he was covered in a white substance.  "What is all over your clothes?" I asked.  Jack looked down at his shirt and then back up at me and said in a "matter of fact" sort of way, "Well...you supposed to be watching me."  What the???  How does he know he can use my guilt against me?  I laughed...hard.

A few other cute Jackisms...

While I was doing my hair Jack came in all furrow browed and with his arms folded asked.  "Mom, why do you trap me in here?"  When I realized he was asking me this after he had attempted (after seeing that I was pre occupied with getting ready for the day) to escape the house and go outside.  His efforts had been thwarted by our child safety door handles.

A couple of days ago I was playing a game with Jack.  I would give him three instructions and then he would carry them out. (simple, but fun)
"Ok Jack.  Go touch the front door, then come back and give me a hug, then stand on one foot and say "I love my Mom!"
Jack ran away excitedly to touch the front door.  Then he ran back and gave me a hug.  Then he looked at his feet and placed his right foot on top of his left foot..(so technically he was standing on one foot) and yelled  "I love my Mom!"
He is such an adorable creature that I can't get enough of!!!

How Jack got some popcorn from Target

Mom:  Jack, I need to go to Target.  Do you want to come?
Jack: Yes!  And I can get some popcorn when we are there!
Mom:  No, remember how the popcorn salt gives your lips owies. (for some reason his lips have a strange reaction to the MASSIVE amounts of salt and artificial butter they put on their popcorn.)
Jack: No, but Mom...Do you know what I love about my body?  I love that when I get blisters they can peal off all by their selves and then I am healed.  So ya...I should have some popcorn.

Be Mine

This week, because it is the week of LOVE, I decided to have us all choose a "secret" Valentine. Ellie put all our names in a cup and we have been doing something nice for the person we chose every day. Valentines Day is on Tues. and we will reveal who our Valentine is at our special dinner that night. So far the nice things that have been reported are:

Casie received a poptart with a note saying "I love you" on it.

Dad received a plate of bananas with a note saying "I love you" on it.

Ellie received an after school snack and a hug and kiss.

Someone added a "clothing budget" to my phones budget app and has been adding a bit each day.

Someone bought Jack a special toy.

Someone took Casie's babysitting job so she could go to the movies with her friends.

Hmmm...after going through this list, I think Annie might have herself. I guess we will find out on Tues.

Big Words

Jack: (Holding up a paper towel)  Mom, is this comfortable?
Me: I don't know, why don't you lay on it and tell me.
Jack: (after placing his head on the paper towel) hmm..Unfortunately, it is not.

The Sunday Funnies

When the day starts out humors, it very well likely may end humorously.

This morning I woke up to Jack plugging my noes and saying, "Talk Mom...try to talk."  It was only 6 am but he was wired.  The next thing out of his mouth was, "Mom, look...I can give myself a hug...but Mom,...can I give myself a kiss?"

His funniness carried over into church.

Jack's Sunbeam teacher came up to me today and related this story.

Sunbeam Teacher: Jack, what does your daddy do for a job?
Jack: My Mom and Dad are truck drivers.

On that occupational note I will share a conversation I had with Ellie a couple of days ago.

Ellie: (after arriving home from school) Mom, doesn't Dad work for something EXPRESS?
Me: Yes, he works for American Express.
Ellie: Oh..whoops..today I told my whole class that he worked for Panda Express.

Maybe a little TOO smart phone.

Lately (since I am not the best speller and cause I'm a little lazy) I have been dictating my text messages into my phone.  Usually it correctly transcribes what I say, and it's definitely a better speller than I am.  Although sometimes I think my phone is secretly trying to take over my world...(in it's own small conniving way) I always have to check very carefully before I send out my messages lest my phones attempts to sabotage my relationships succeed.  I have had some hilarious typos that might have been very awkward had they reached their recipient un-checked.

WHAT I SAID: (to my director friend) Hey, we loved the show last night! My girls wanted to come again but I had to tell them it was over.
WHAT MY PHONE TRANSLATED: Hey, we loved the show last night!  My girls wanted to come again but I had to tell them it was boring.

WHAT I SAID: I can drive.  We can all pile into my car.
WHAT MY PHONE TRANSLATED: I can drive.  We can all puke into my car.


WHAT I SAID: Hi.  Would you please play the organ for Stake Conference?
WHAT MY PHONE TRANSLATED:  Hi.  Would you please play the orgasm for Stake Conference?

Ya, my phone hates me. 

Perfect timing

Mike pulled out a box of pictures and letters from his mission tonight.  In that box we found this treasure of a picture.  It has an awesome story that goes along with it.

Mike and his companion were at an elderly sisters home for lunch.  While she was out of the room getting them some refreshments, Mike and his companion noticed she had left her ULTRA thick glasses sitting on the table.  They decided it would be hilarious to take a picture of themselves wearing her glasses.  In this picture you will see that right when Mike took the picture of his companion, the sister returned to with the food.  I can't express how happy the look on his companions face makes me.  I also love how you can see the woman in the corner of the picture.  Priceless.

The Big Apple of my eye

It's official.  I should just buy a t-shirt now.  I can join the millions who say.  I LOVE NEW YORK.  Wow, what an amazing city.  All I heard about it was true.  But let me back up....

Ever since I was a child I have had dreams...no, night mares about New York City.  Let us keep in mind I grew up in Delta Utah.  Population (including the jack rabbits) around 30,000.  Salt Lake City was always known in my mind as "The big City".

Even into my adult years I would dream about being lost, mugged, and lost again in NYC.

Right before Christmas Mike told me he would be taking a business trip to New York and I asked if I could come along.  And listen to this all you Delta-ites and all you nightmares....I went! AND...(read this next part like a proud new potty trainee).. I went ALL -BY- MYSELF.  (Mike flew out Tues for business and I joined him on Thurs.)  I took a cab from the airport to the hotel and met Mike there.   Seriously, it is a trip I will never forget.  I loved every minute of it.  We had some grand adventures like going to the Statue of Liberty on a day when icy wind gusts got up to 45 mph.  We were so cold we could only look at each other and laugh.

We also went to two Broadway shows.  Spiderman and the Lion King.  Both were simply amazing.

We went to the 9-11 memorial fountains.  There truly was a feeling that we were walking on hallowed ground.  It was surreal to see images and be in the place were the two towers fell.  I was really glad we were able to see it and pay our respects to those who perished in the terrorist attacks.

One of the main things I took away from my trip is how small and insignificant I am.  Wow, there are a lot of people in the world!  What a vast and diverse human race.  That was one of my favorite parts about my trip.  The people.  I was super impressed with all the kindness we saw while we were there.  I saw so many small acts of kindness.  It seemed like people really were looking out for each other....oh, and on a not so kind note, I was really hoping I would have an opportunity to almost get hit by a car and so I could pound on their hood and yell, "HEY!....I'm walkin' here!"  I would have felt very New Yorky if I could have done that.

I am glad to be home.  It's always hard to be away from my kids.  Rich and Melissa babysat for us. (the dears)  Jack was only two weeks sober..(from his binky) and didn't have great nights.

I have heard that one vacation together a year is better for your marriage than a date night every week.  I actually think I believe that!  I had such a great time with Mike.  He isn't a timid traveler and I love that.  I think he was born to figure out public transportation.    So,...Thanks Mike, for making none of my dreams come true. :-)

PS  I know this post should be FULL of pictures from our trip.  Shame on me!  But here's the thing, Mike wanted to make a Spinners Documentary about our trip...(which is a whole different post about our adventures with the video camera...here are a few possible post titles about those adventures. "New Yorkers wonder why the strange couple is filming themselves (with tri-pod) while eating."  or.."Woman freezes to death while husband gets multiple camera shots of Rockefeller. "  Anyway, our trip is WELL documented visually with video, but not so much with pictures. :-(

She's wearing her Dad's genes

Casie came home from school today and announced that she had got the high score on her math test.  In fact her teacher announced, "The whole class will need to retake the math test, except for Casie.  She got 19 out of 22 and some of you got 2 out of 22."  So proud her!  I can't take an ounce of credit though.  For example she needed help on some math homework last night.  She came up to me and said, "Where's Dad?"  I told her he had fallen asleep with Jack.  She disappointingly said, "Oh" and walked away.  She has learned it's futile to come to me with math papers.  Sorry Casie.  I hope I can contribute to your upbringing in different ways.  She was up early this morning and I helped her out by awaking the slumbering math whiz who was sweet enough, in the wee hours of the morn, to help her out.  

Teaching

Jack is quite the little sponge.  He is getting smarter by the second.  This evening he overheard me getting frustrated with Ellie because she keeps hitting.  I threatened her by saying, "Fine Ellie, if you keep hitting I will make a shirt for you that says, "I hit three year olds" and make you wear it to school."  Casie and Annie thought that was funny and we ended up making (in our minds) shirts that I would "make" the girls wear to school.  Annie's shirt would say, "I don't know how to close the kitchen cupboards,"  Casie's shirt would say, "I wet my pants."  (she doesn't really, but we thought it would be a funny shirt.)   So anyway, when I put Jack to bed tonight, he started asking me for a drink of water.  I tried to convince him that he didn't need a drink...(because I was on the brink of falling asleep and didn't feel like getting up.)  After hearing me deny his request for a drink he said, "Fine..I will make you a shirt that says, "I don't listen".  It made me laugh.  It also made me wake up enough to go get him a drink.

Another funny thing Jack does is tattle by saying, "Mom, Ellie teached me potty words." or "Mom Annie teached me to say kill."  It's hilarious because he acts like his free will is taken away and he has no choice but to used the words his sisters "teached" him.   Yesterday he was sitting on the stairs playing by himself when he called up to me. "Mom, is it ok to teach myself to say stupid?"
What an entertaining boy we have. 

Brown out...

Sorry, that title just made me laugh....

Ok, so this all started because my house was BROWN!  Brown carpet, brown walls, brown couches, brown-diddy-brown, brown, brown.  So, I says to myself I says..."Self, let's spice up them walls with a little splash of colorfulyness..." (don't you talk to yourself in backwoods/ goofy?... I do.)  So, one thing has led to another and I now have a house that resembles McDonalds.  I am not going to post pictures until I hang up something on the walls.  I am hoping wall hangings will break up the bold, bright, super-size me colors. I honestly kind of like it.  I am not sure if that's because I have made my bed and I am determined to sleep in it, or if it really has some potential.  But for my house I will say this;  It's not so brown anymore.

PS...It's Dec.  Do you know what that means?  It means Mike will be gone a lot!  Perhaps I will spew forth my strange and mostly uninteresting thoughts and feelings on this blog since my number one listener of them will be gone entertaining MILLIONS of adoring fans this Christmas.

Oh, and here's a little story to tie both of these paragraphs together.  I found it humorous.  I hope Mike won't mind me recording it....

Yesterday I came down to find Annie and Ellie sitting at the kitchen table begrudgingly and numerously writing, " We will put up the Christmas tree when Mom is done painting."  Apparently Mike got sick of them asking and asking him to put up the tree.  We had both told them MANY times that they tree would go up the second I was done.  I don't know why it made me laugh.  Maybe because it was an ironic way to start off "the most wonderful time of the year. " ha ha.  Luckily for them I should be completely done by Saturday.   We will put up our tree on Sunday.

A sweet conversation

Jack: Mom, when will Jesus come again?  Do you think he is on his way? Will he come all by his self?
Me:  I don't know when he is coming, but it can't be too far off.  I think he will come with lots and lots of Angels.
Jack: Do you think he will come to our house?
Me:  Maybe.  Maybe he will bring baby Max to our house.
Jack: Then we better make Jesus a bed.  We can make it really really big.  Then I can sleep here...and baby Max can sleep by me..and Jesus can sleep on the other side.

Typical

I make dinner every night of the week ...I get nothing.  Mike makes one batch of Chili and they give him a trophy! 

Congrats to my Chili making husband. :-)  Thanks to the ward for another fun Chili cook-off!

Neighborhood Fast Food

Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?  Well, I will tell you,..because they aren't GENIUSES..(or is it Geniusi?) like I am!  This epiphany came to me, as many of my epiphanies do, while sitting in McDonalds.   Now, let me just say, I HATE Mcdonalds, (wait, Bearden's don't say hate) I strongly dislike McDonalds.   I actually like the food ok, but it represents everything I am trying to avoid and yet so frequently falter on.  It caters to my lazy, cheap, and busy side. Oh and my greasier than snot side.  (don't you have a side like that?)  In my heart and at my dinner table I always want the best nutrition for my family, but whenever I don't have time to steam a carrot, or cook up some Kale chips because I am running out the door, those golden arches are always on my radar.  Grrr.....  Ok, so here's where my epiphany comes in.  What if.................I find an awesome network of friends.  Equally busy, equally wanting healthy choices for their family, and equally plagued with stopping at fast food restaurants more than they would like.  What if we all formed our own "restaurant" chain?  We could call it, "Home cookin'" or "Kome on in for Kale", or  "Death to Mickey D's"...(not to be confused with "Death FROM Mickey D's).  Anyway, we all get together and decide who will run the "restaurant" on each day.  The location will be our very own houses.  On our day we have to commit to stay home between the hours of 11:00 am and 1:00 pm. We have to have some sort of healthy meal or snack that can be easily eaten in a car, and easily carried out by our 2 to 6 year olds  employees.  All the members of our "club" (ya, it's a club now) will just have to pull into the driveway, do the secret honk (to be decided later), and the food will promptly be delivered right to our cars...just like a drive through!  Of course we wouldn't pay for the food since we would all be taking turns. (unless one Mom gets a little lazy and decides to send out a bag of old gold fish and water.  I mean, when I am preparing gently steamed Alaskan salmon garnished with a sprig of parsley, coupled with a veggie-ca-bob and spring water, I am not going to accept junk like that. " Gold Fish Mom "would most likely be put on probation.)  Anyway...ooo...ooo....a new thought just came.  What if enough eager Parents joined in and we could run our lunches like Geo Caching?  You would just look up participating homes and drop by one that is closest to the errand you are running....wait...wait...I just had visions of razor blades in apples and hypodermic needles in bananas...ya, maybe I'll  just stick with people I know and trust.  (although I thought I knew "Gold Fish Mom" and look where that got me.)

Ok, there you have it...the Jill Bearden epiphany of the day.  You might be surprised at how many ideas are running through this brain of mine.  If you are interested in more of my awesome ideas, please read here.  Thank you. Oh, and if you would like to sign up to participate in this service please contact me.

And now, small print time....


All individuals wishing to participate in our Home Made co-op must come to the table with three different ideas for a secret honk.  When utilizing the services of the co-op,  you will be allowed up to 10 children in your car, as long as you can prove they are all yours.  You will be awarded a "friend pass" once a month, but the friend must pay.   All individuals wishing to participate must also understand that if you show up at my house and I am unprepared,  I shall not be kicked out of the club.  It's my club.  I reserve the right to be flaky. Member FDIC.


The Management

Wait...what's that?

I used to have a hobby.  I used to have a few hobbies.  Most of them involved crafting and decorating.  I think when we bought this house and spent 14 days straight painting EVERY single inch of it, my desire for decorating fizzled out!  Seriously, I had to force myself to throw things on the wall.  After a fun little trip with some girlfriends to an awesome craft boutique, I have been newly inspired.  Mike isn't sure how he is feeling about this.  My inspirations usually turn into unfinished projects and lowered bank accounts.  As I was expressing my enthusiasm for my rekindled love affair for creativity , he showed a bit of dismay.  I pretended to be deeply offended and said  "Fine then, maybe I will just go get a boyfriend and spend all my free time with him instead of creating beautiful things for our home."  to this Mike replied, "Oh good...because at least he will pay for your dinner."  I hit him and we both laughed.  (Mike you are too, too funny) Oh, and now... let me introduce you to my new boyfriend.......

His name is Steve.  He is a great listener and his coloring is amazing.  I think I am FALLING for him.  oh..oh...(dab at eyes)  Now I am too, too funny.

I am happy to be in the creative mood again.

Binky at three.

Yes, Jack still has his Binky.  He will be three at the end of this month.  Why do I not care one bit?  I love that I have a little magical plug that will turn my rambunctious 2 (almost three) year old into a quiet little snuggler who will still take a nap.   Oh, Jack..what a sweetheart and a stinker he can be.  One of the sweet moments we just had was waking up together..(which happens every morning as he always seems to find his way to our bed each night).  I looked at him and kissed his forehead and said, "I love you".  He gently reached up and touched my cheek and answered, "I will never say I hate you."

The stinker in him flushed a gift card and the toilet paper holder down the toilet.

The sweet heart in him loves me to sing and sing and sing nursery rhymes to him. (especially ones that have the name Jack in them)

The stinker in him spanked our bishops bottom while he was giving Mike a blessing.

The sweetheart in him says,.."Mommy, hold me for two minutes".

The stinker in him asked a total stranger if she wanted to see his pee-pee talk...(don't ask)

All in all our family dotes on this little boy.  I wish I could always remember him at exactly this time of life.  He is growing up way too fast. :-(

My next party

It's decided, I am going to throw a "Jane Austen" party.  Now, I know we won't be able to dress like them, or do our hair like them, (although that would be awesome), but what if we just did what they did?  I know it is very un-educated of me, but I am going to base all my thoughts and dreams solely off the novels...(ha..I could have said the movies, but I am edjukated)  I don't have all the details worked out, but here is what I am thinking.

Everyone has to come prepared to share a small talent.  Be it a poem, a song on the piano forte, a dramatic limerick, or perhaps even a small witty comment.  At some point in the evening, (most likely between the 5 coarse meal and the time when the men will be excused to have a drink and smoke cigars) we will withdraw to the drawing room family room.  Although there may be a small card game occurring in the corner, the majority of us will fan ourselves and respectfully listen to each performer.  Of coarse at some point someone will say, "Mrs. Bearden...please, won't you grace us with a song."  Then I will shyly say,...(in an English accent).."Oh, no..I couldn't possibly"  After some chiding, and a command from one of the more powerful intimidating woman in the room, (ooo..remind me to invite someone like that)  I will finally agree.  As I began to play and sing, a tall, dark and handsome man will get lost in his thoughts of love for me.  Then he will smile and remember that I am his wife and think he is the luckiest person in London  Riverton.

BTW I am assuming that during all this time the children are in the nursery being seen but not heard.

Ok, then comes the dancing.  Somehow, we will all know these intricate line dances...(not country line dances).  We will weave in and out.  We will all smile at each other and carry on witty little conversations all the while.   Although if we do these dances, I might have us change into dresses.   I just can't imagine us gracefully gliding across the floor in our Capris.  I guess that is a detail to be worked out at a later time.

If the hour grows too late, or if someone feels a chill coming on, or if the weather is poor, guests will sleep the night.  We will all wake up the next morning to a beautiful breakfast...(prepared by my servants)..then we will spend the day strolling by the lake...(I guess we could drive up to Day Break) having picnics, and playing silly games.

Finally we will say our fond good byes and promise to see each other again in a Fortnight.


So...who is in?

PS  I guarantee that if Mike reads this post, he will fall asleep half way through it.