Inventions

Ok,besides the obvious "Instant Hair Growth" lotion and "Suck body fat from Home kit" that we all dream of inventing some day, I have thought of a few other handy gadgets that would serve me and my family well. I wanted to write them down to just to document that I thought of them first!



#1 A pop up Electric fence. I haven't come up with a clever name for this yet..Maybe "The Shocker", or "The Electric Flow...bie") Anyway, this would be for indoor or outdoor use. (not recommended for pool use) You could use it to keep your kids away from the TV, or to keep them sitting at the piano. Why not use it at Christmastime to keep curious little hands out from under the tree? And my personal favorite..(and inspiration for this most wondrous of inventions) is to put around the master bed at night. You and your loved one will enjoy a peaceful nights sleep free from adolescent intruders. Buy The Shocker now, and we will also ship you the handy crotchular region sized Shocker. ( You know, just as a back up in case the clever little ones find a way around the bed fence at night. Why do my kids always create a "H" in our bed? Usually their head is laying on my stomache and Mike gets the heels.) Anyway..you, your husband and your possible future offspring will love The Shocker!

#2 "The potty Nanny". This is an intelligent sensor that is installed somewhere on the bathroom door. I has to be intelligent because it will need to not only identify the person in the bathroom, but it will need to analyze the bathroom behavior and and gradually get more aggressive if the offender doesn't improve on their bathroom etiquette. As the perpetrator attempts to exit the premises, the The Potty Nanny will speak to them.

1st Offence
Potty Nanny: Well hello ______. I hope you are having a nice day. Maybe you could skip on over and flush the potty like a good girl. While you are over there, will you please wash your hands just a little better? Running cold water over them for .04 seconds really isn't sufficient. Oh and one more thing sweetheart, your father works very hard to pay the bills for your family. Turning off lights not only saves on the electric bill, but will also conserve energy! Have a wonderful day!

2nd Offence
Potty Nanny: Excuse me______! No one likes to see or smell a potty full of poop!! Also, the soap is there for a reason. Try singing the ABC's while scrubbing your hands together. And seriously...how hard is it to flip off a light switch? Catch ya later!

3rd Offence
Potty Nanny: Hey @#@#@! Flush the !@!# crapper!! It's one little motion! JUST FLUSH IT! And seriously...do your friends know you walk around with PEE all over your hands all day!!?? And so fine...you don't want to turn off the !$$*$* lights! I'll teach you to take electricity for granted!...(and at this point the light bulbs will start exploding and sparking and starting a wall fire)
Potty Nanny: Oh, and by the way, Eat more fruit!

Of coarse, we here at Potty Nanny hope your young one will never have to get to level three of The Potty Nanny's wrath, but what's a product if it's not thorough?


Lest anyone reading this gets the impression that I don't love and value my children, I hope my last invention will change your mind.

#3 Dr. THERMO
This small talking thermometer is not only able to take your child's temperature, but gives comfort to the mother at the same time.

Dr. Thermo: Hey there Mom. Looks like you got a sickie on your hands today. Her temperature is 103.4 and from where I am looking, she has a mighty sore throat as well. Now don't panic Mom, this fever is not high enough to cause major brain damage or seizures, so you can tell your husband to stop filling up the ice bath. I am giving her some Motrin right now...(squirt..) (Oh, I forgot to mention that Dr. Thermo also administers the EXACT amount of medicine the child needs) and she should be feeling a little better in about half an hour. Now, she still has a few more rough days ahead of her, but don't worry, she will NOT stop breathing in her sleep, she will NOT pass this on to her baby brother, and she will NOT miss the bowl when her fever causes her to vomit at precisely 2:08 am. And one more thing Mom, YOU had nothing to do with why this child is sick. She didn't get it from not eating enough veggies. She's not sick because you didn't read her a book last night when she asked you to. And she didn't get sick from germs off your hands. In fact, Potty Nanny informs me that you have excellent hand washing skills...(yep, you guessed it!..Blue tooth baby!) So just relax, let your daughter rest and know she will make a full recovery. (Squirt...that was some special relaxing medicine that Dr. Thermo cooked up just for you.)

Ok. So those are my inventions for the day. If you or someone you love happen to steal these ideas then,... GREAT! Just make sure I am first on the list to purchase one!