Just a few little funnies to remember.
Ellie, shortly after coming home from school: "Mom, my life got really complicated today"
Ellie, looking at herself after I did her hair. "Wow...I clean up good"
Jack, after I asked why he threw his chips on the ground. "I was feeding the chickens"
Jack is also starting to use the word "Actually" a lot. It cracks me up.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Taking the crib down
Since my thoughts are pretty much dominated by Max lately, I wanted to post another excerpt from his blog.
Yesterday, I took Max's crib down. I remember when I was putting it up. It was the same crib we used for Casie, Annie, Ellie, and Jack. I remember thinking that it had served us well through the years. It had held our most precious possessions. As I put it up again for Max, I pictured him asleep with his arms straight up by his ears. I love it when they sleep that way. I pictured picking him up after his nap while his little back arched in a stretch and his little lips pursed at the same time. Mike and I always laugh when they do that.
Yesterday, as the first screw came out, I broke into tears. Such a sad feeling overwhelmed me as I thought about what I had lost. Reality hit me for the millionth time that Max wasn't going to be part of my earthly life. As I hung up the pictures of us below Max's name I cried again. When Mike and I spent that fun afternoon painting his name, this is not what I had intended to use it for. As a memorial to my sweet baby.
Right after Max passed away, I knew I wanted to use his room as a special room for our family. A place we could gather and play, and talk, and read our scriptures, and feel peace. Once the crib was down, I did feel a strong feeling of peace. My sadness went away and I knew this would always be a sacred place where we can feel close to Max. Where we can draw closer to our Savior and where we will grow closer as a family.
Yesterday, I took Max's crib down. I remember when I was putting it up. It was the same crib we used for Casie, Annie, Ellie, and Jack. I remember thinking that it had served us well through the years. It had held our most precious possessions. As I put it up again for Max, I pictured him asleep with his arms straight up by his ears. I love it when they sleep that way. I pictured picking him up after his nap while his little back arched in a stretch and his little lips pursed at the same time. Mike and I always laugh when they do that.
Yesterday, as the first screw came out, I broke into tears. Such a sad feeling overwhelmed me as I thought about what I had lost. Reality hit me for the millionth time that Max wasn't going to be part of my earthly life. As I hung up the pictures of us below Max's name I cried again. When Mike and I spent that fun afternoon painting his name, this is not what I had intended to use it for. As a memorial to my sweet baby.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Smallest Wingless
Dear son, we've been waiting for you
Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived
White coats came in, heads held low
Talked for a bit, shuffled outside
We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
And smallest wingless, oh you came to us
Leaving as soon as you'd arrived
But sadness is just love wasted
With no heart to place it inside
We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
We closed the curtains
Held on to one another
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
~Craig Cardiff
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxcLm4ZA45E
Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived
White coats came in, heads held low
Talked for a bit, shuffled outside
We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
And smallest wingless, oh you came to us
Leaving as soon as you'd arrived
But sadness is just love wasted
With no heart to place it inside
We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
We closed the curtains
Held on to one another
And cried
We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.
~Craig Cardiff
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxcLm4ZA45E
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Another Excerpt....
Here is another excerpt from my blog about Max I'd like recorded on this blog.
I couldn't really get Jack excited about having a baby in the house during my pregnancy. The only thing he ever really noticed is that there was less and less room on my lap for him. Every time we would read books he would say, "Baby is pushing me off" He never called him Max or even acted excited about his arrival. I didn't think too much about it because Jack is only two. One strange thing I did notice is that Jack started being very sensitive to music. Each time I would try to sing him a song about a baby he would break out crying. I'm not talking about a few tears, I'm talking about a quivering chin, turned down bottom lip and full out sobbing. It baffled me and Mike. We had no idea what the matter was. I figured Jack was just going to be a very sensitive little boy. I now wonder if Jack knew about Max's mission before any of the rest of us did.
After Max passed away Jack became even more sensitive to music. He cried anytime a primary song or any song that had a hint of melancholy was played.
Today while Jack and I were playing trains we had a special experience. Jack pointed to me and said, "You are baby Max." (he hadn't mentioned Max for weeks) He then preceded to play as if I were baby Max. He even talked to me in a sweet high pitched voice, just like you would to a baby. He said, "Come on baby Max...get on the train." "I will help you baby Max because you too little." "I'm gonna take you to the Temple baby Max." "I will open the door for you baby Max, cause you too little." I truly believe that in Jack's mind he was playing with his little brother. It made me cry. Partly because they will never play in this life. When we found out we were having a boy I was so excited. Jack is the youngest by about 5 years and the thought of giving him a little brother was such a perfect way to end our family. I had such dreams of seeing these two grow up together. I always joked that Jack and Max sounded like a duo that could get into lots of mischief together. I pictured them as best buddies. I pictured dressing them in matching overalls. I pictured them playing Basket ball with Mike. I pictured them out on their missions at the same time. Jack would have been such a sweet older brother. He showed me that today. But it also touched me to see that these two boys must have been friends in pre-existence. I believe that Jack's spirit remembers his brother. I wonder if Jack's two year old little mind is just having a hard time processing what his spirit is feeling. I think Jack feels especially close to Max when he hears music. I like to think that the two of them sang duets before they were born. I had warned Jack's nursery teachers about a possible break down during music time. They informed me that last week Jack sobbed during I am a child of God. They both had tears in their eyes as they spoke of the spirit they felt during the song. I now think that back when I was wondering why Jack would cry during music, did he know he would loose his brother? Did he feel the loss even before it happened? I feel like Jack is being blessed to feel Max's presence. Even after I was done pretending to be baby Max, Jack kept playing with him. He even pretended to pick him up and put him on the train. What a sweet thing for me to witness. In an old post I mourned that my two boys wouldn't ever play trains together. Today I think they got that chance.
As a funny side note, while I was pretending to be Max, I was singing a silly song about a train. Jack looked at me and said, "Knock it off baby Max". We both laughed. If that's not an older brother speaking to his younger brother, I don't know what is. :-)
I couldn't really get Jack excited about having a baby in the house during my pregnancy. The only thing he ever really noticed is that there was less and less room on my lap for him. Every time we would read books he would say, "Baby is pushing me off" He never called him Max or even acted excited about his arrival. I didn't think too much about it because Jack is only two. One strange thing I did notice is that Jack started being very sensitive to music. Each time I would try to sing him a song about a baby he would break out crying. I'm not talking about a few tears, I'm talking about a quivering chin, turned down bottom lip and full out sobbing. It baffled me and Mike. We had no idea what the matter was. I figured Jack was just going to be a very sensitive little boy. I now wonder if Jack knew about Max's mission before any of the rest of us did.
After Max passed away Jack became even more sensitive to music. He cried anytime a primary song or any song that had a hint of melancholy was played.
Today while Jack and I were playing trains we had a special experience. Jack pointed to me and said, "You are baby Max." (he hadn't mentioned Max for weeks) He then preceded to play as if I were baby Max. He even talked to me in a sweet high pitched voice, just like you would to a baby. He said, "Come on baby Max...get on the train." "I will help you baby Max because you too little." "I'm gonna take you to the Temple baby Max." "I will open the door for you baby Max, cause you too little." I truly believe that in Jack's mind he was playing with his little brother. It made me cry. Partly because they will never play in this life. When we found out we were having a boy I was so excited. Jack is the youngest by about 5 years and the thought of giving him a little brother was such a perfect way to end our family. I had such dreams of seeing these two grow up together. I always joked that Jack and Max sounded like a duo that could get into lots of mischief together. I pictured them as best buddies. I pictured dressing them in matching overalls. I pictured them playing Basket ball with Mike. I pictured them out on their missions at the same time. Jack would have been such a sweet older brother. He showed me that today. But it also touched me to see that these two boys must have been friends in pre-existence. I believe that Jack's spirit remembers his brother. I wonder if Jack's two year old little mind is just having a hard time processing what his spirit is feeling. I think Jack feels especially close to Max when he hears music. I like to think that the two of them sang duets before they were born. I had warned Jack's nursery teachers about a possible break down during music time. They informed me that last week Jack sobbed during I am a child of God. They both had tears in their eyes as they spoke of the spirit they felt during the song. I now think that back when I was wondering why Jack would cry during music, did he know he would loose his brother? Did he feel the loss even before it happened? I feel like Jack is being blessed to feel Max's presence. Even after I was done pretending to be baby Max, Jack kept playing with him. He even pretended to pick him up and put him on the train. What a sweet thing for me to witness. In an old post I mourned that my two boys wouldn't ever play trains together. Today I think they got that chance.
As a funny side note, while I was pretending to be Max, I was singing a silly song about a train. Jack looked at me and said, "Knock it off baby Max". We both laughed. If that's not an older brother speaking to his younger brother, I don't know what is. :-)
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Even the smart ones......
After a good 5 minutes of Annie explaining to me the requirements of her "Utah Mammal" report she had coming up, I asked her what animal she would like to do her report on.
After a good 3 seconds of thought...(thank goodness) she decided she would like to do it on Whales.
After a good 6 seconds of us laughing at her, she decided maybe a mountain lion would be a better idea.
(she laughed at herself too...:-)
After a good 3 seconds of thought...(thank goodness) she decided she would like to do it on Whales.
After a good 6 seconds of us laughing at her, she decided maybe a mountain lion would be a better idea.
(she laughed at herself too...:-)
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A very good friend of mine lost her sweet baby the day after we lost Max. We set up a blog that we both contribute to. It's been a way to share our feelings with someone who knows exactly what we are going through. It's been very therapeutic for me, and I hope she has found comfort in it as well. I wanted to share an excerpt from one of my entries. Mostly because I want this blog to represent my true feelings at this time and the longing I have for my little baby.
"I was thinking about the day when I will see Max again. I sincerely hope that all the longing I have right now will return to me. That my arms and heart will ache just as intensely as they do now. And then as I sit in sorrow and pain, a loved one will walk into the room and give me my baby. I will finally get to hold the one I long so much for. I will have my deep need met, and my sadness will change to pure joy. I will kiss the face I long to kiss, and let his tiny hand hold my finger, and I will pat his little back and rock him until he falls asleep. And I will never ever have to let him go again. "
"I was thinking about the day when I will see Max again. I sincerely hope that all the longing I have right now will return to me. That my arms and heart will ache just as intensely as they do now. And then as I sit in sorrow and pain, a loved one will walk into the room and give me my baby. I will finally get to hold the one I long so much for. I will have my deep need met, and my sadness will change to pure joy. I will kiss the face I long to kiss, and let his tiny hand hold my finger, and I will pat his little back and rock him until he falls asleep. And I will never ever have to let him go again. "
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Popular
Since getting her barbies for Christmas, I have heard the word "Popular" thrown around in Ellie's play vocabulary.
"This is a popular girl."
"....let's say that all the popular girls come to the party..."
Tonight I asked Ellie what she thought that popular meant. She said, "Being really pretty and bossing people around."
I had to explain that being popular was being very nice and kind to those around you.
Later when Annie came home from her friends house, I asked her the same question. Her response was, "Wearing really cute clothes and being the cutest girl in the school"
Me: No Annie, being popular means that you are a very nice person and you treat others kindly.
Annie: Really? Did you look that up on-line?
"This is a popular girl."
"....let's say that all the popular girls come to the party..."
Tonight I asked Ellie what she thought that popular meant. She said, "Being really pretty and bossing people around."
I had to explain that being popular was being very nice and kind to those around you.
Later when Annie came home from her friends house, I asked her the same question. Her response was, "Wearing really cute clothes and being the cutest girl in the school"
Me: No Annie, being popular means that you are a very nice person and you treat others kindly.
Annie: Really? Did you look that up on-line?
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