Mother's Day or I'm an IDIOT?

This is a choose your own adventure post!  If you would like to read about Mother's Day click here.  If you would like to read about how I am an idiot click here.

Ha Ha...psych!  Those aren't really links, I knew everyone would choose the idiot one, so I will just write about that one.  Maybe the Mother's Day one will follow.

So there I was, minding my own business in a strange new city (Park City) which had a strange new Walmart.  From the moment I walked in I noticed how different this Walmart was compared to the Walmart that I avoid at all cost yet still seem to frequently visit back in my home town.  Everything was topsy turvy.  The crafts were next to the fish.  The lotion was next to the camping equipment.  There was a guy with a mic trying to sell knives.  People were smiling and one of the employees was nice to me.  Totally different than any Walmart I am used to.  So anyway, I was leisurely milling about killing time while Mike had the kids on a secret mission to buy me some Mother's Day gifts. (They were also in Walmart)   After gathering a few snacks...(for Casie's Lacrosse game, which is why we were in PC) I decided to use the public restroom...(something I also avoid doing but when ya gotta go, ya gotta go).  I left my grocery bags with Annie and walked into the bathroom.  Now, being observant has never been one of my strong assets, but in this case my observancy (is that a real word?)  was the very thing that got me into trouble.  As I walked into the restroom I noticed that on my left was a light switch.  Above that light switch was a sign that read, "Please flip this switch if bathroom needs attention"  I thought that was odd, but after going through this strange and mysterious Walmart, I had come to accept the unexpected.  If I had not been looking and pondering so intently on the switch to my left, I would have noticed the row of urinals to my right.  But alas, I stared at that switch until I had closed the door to the stall.  I really should have been clued in as I walked into the stall.  There was toilet paper on the floor and the toilet was a beacon of putrescence.  The seat was the very symbol of why I never want to use public restrooms.  All I could think as I hovered there, (TMI?) was that I was SO going to be flipping that switch when I was done.  As I opened the door and headed toward the sink I looked in the mirror.  MUCH to my horror, there in the reflection were two men in the classic "peeing man stance".  I am sure the blood drained from my face as I gasped.  My first gut reaction was to draw attention to my error by saying, "Oh, whoops..looks like I made a bit of a mistake."  Luckily my survival instincts took over and made me stay silent and RUN out of the bathroom.  Ellie happened to be coming out of the girls bathroom at the same time.  I grabbed her arm and whispered, "We need to run".   We ran to the car, laughing all the way.


Oh, one more idiot story to share.  Does anyone else love those very berry, very red, very sticky fruit smoothies you get from Costco?  Well a word of caution to you fellow smoothy lovers out there.  If you happen to buy one and you happen to set in on your bumper while you are loading your THOUSANDS of dollars worth of groceries into your Suburban.  Make sure you grab it BEFORE you SLAM your cargo door shut.  Otherwise you will have a very berry, very red,  very sticky mess ALL over your thousands of dollars worth of groceries.  Luckily I had just bought paper towels.    

Maybe he'd stop if we didn't laugh so hard...

Oh my little Jack.  What a potty mouth he has.  Today he told a story that got the girls (and me) rolling with laughter.  Here it is...

"Once upon a time, Dad was hugging a horse.  He hugged the horse so hard that Dad tooted.  (girls laugh hard..Jack sees the reaction and continues with his tale..) Then Dad hugged another horse.  Dad hugged the horse so hard that it maked Dad AND the Horse toot."  Even Mike who was sound asleep woke up and started laughing at Jack's story. I try to tell him that it's not acting like a "Gentleman" when he says things like that, but when the whole family is laughing at him, it's hard to make him stop.  Out of nowhere a couple of days ago he came up to me and said, "When Jesus comes again I will probably stop doing potty talk.  But I will keep saying potty words until he gets here." 

Christmas Miracle!

No, the Miracle isn't that I posted three posts in one day, it's a different one that happened almost 9 years ago.

Christmastime was upon us.  I was just starting my shopping and I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder.  I felt like all the gifts I had ever given my kids were forgotten 1 week after Christmas.  I really wanted to give them something that they would love and play with for a LONG time.  As I pulled out of my driveway to hit the store I decided to say a little prayer.  I asked Heavenly Father to help me find a gift that my kids would play with for years to come.  Literally, the second I said amen, Annie (who was a quiet little two year old, but was known for several "from the mouth of babes" types of conversations) said " Mom, I want Thomas Trains for Christmas".  She had NEVER mentioned trains before and I NEVER thought of ever buying my girls trains before.  I had to laugh at such a specific and immediate answer to my prayer.  I of course bought Annie a wooden train set for Christmas that year.  Annie is now 11 and we still have the original set we bought her..(give or take a few missing tracks)  We have added to it throughout the years, and it has remained a constant favorite among my kids as well as cousins and neighbors.  I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who cares about even the smallest desires of my heart.

Here is Jack with the whole set up....(our tracks and trains have TRIPLED in amount since this young man has started potty training.)

Jack's Dream

Jack told me he dreamed that he was in the Temple with baby Max.  He said they were in the waiting room singing a song together.  This made so much sense to me.  I have always felt that Jack and Max not only shared a strong friendship, but a musical bond as well.  When I was about six months pregnant with Max, Jack suddenly became very sensitive to lullabies.  I remember one night I was holding him and I starting singing, "Hush little baby don't you cry"...Jack's lower lip started to quiver and he broke into sobs.   The same thing happened with Rock-a -bye Baby.  I thought it was very strange because I had sung these songs to him his whole life. Shortly after Max passed away, Jack (who was only 2) couldn't listen to soft music without bursting into tears.  Primary songs were the hardest for him. I remember his sweet nursery teachers tearfully telling me how Jack teared up during "I am a Child of God" during nursery.  I started to wonder if my two boys used to sing together before coming to earth.  I wondered if somehow Jack's little spirit knew that he wouldn't get to spend his earthly life with his best friend.  I loved that he shared his dream with me.  Both of my boys are so special to me.  I truly look forward to the day when I can see their beautiful friendship resume.  

More Quotes from the Bearden Kids.

Jack and Mom snuggling in bed.

Jack: Mom, will I have a husband someday?
Me: No, you will BE a husband someday.  You will meet a girl and then get married and have kids and be your own little family.
Jack: I will have my own babies?
Me: Yep
Jack: Well, I don't know how to hold babies.
Me:  I will show you.
Jack:  (deep thoughts...)How do I call that family and tell them that I just want my Mom?


Jack and Ellie swimming in the tub with their swimsuits on.

Jack:  Ellie, would you like to swim in yellow water?


Ellie showing me her school work.
Ellie: Here is a test I only got 13 out of 30 right....(pause)  It's a good thing I'm cute!

And the Winner is...

SARAH!!!!

Thanks for all your funny comments!

Sarah wins some dishwasher soap!  I order it monthly from Melaleuca.  It's A-MA-ZING.  Even the expensive brand from the store doesn't get my dishes this clean and spot-free.  It's also totally natural I know there is no dangerous soap residue left behind.  Enjoy Sarah!! 

Do you ever wake up with a comic strip idea in your mind?

...cause I do.  For some reason I woke up a couple of weeks ago with all these little comics about fish running swimming through my mind.  Strange I know, but I am what I am.

Originally I was going to share them on my blog and allow others to give me small patronizing courtesy laughs, but instead I have decided to let ALL my readers (aka Mom, Mindy, and Sarah...and possibly a few stalkers) see what their own imaginations can come up with.  I have commissioned a world renowned artist (Annie) to draw the pictures and I will let YOU come up with a caption.  I will share my own caption at a later time.  Should I do a drawing for a fabulous prize?  Yes, yes I should.  OK, leave a comment with your own caption and I will do a drawing.  The prize will be a house hold product that has changed my life.  Ready,...Set,....Be Funny!!!

An Oldie but Goodie that needs to be shared

This is a story I have shared at parties or with friends, but I haven't ever written it down....

This is something my sister Mindy said when she was a young teen.  Because Mindy is older than I am  I didn't understand why it made my parents laugh so hard.  I understand now.

When our family moved from the big city, (Orem) to the small farming city of Delta, Mindy looked out her car window. As we passed the fields of Alf alfa she said,  "It's so cool to see all the farmers out on their concubines."
She meant to say combines.

When the cat's taking a nap, the mice will play.

As Jack and I were sitting on the floor playing with trucks, I found myself feeling tired.  I saw that Jack was engrossed with his own little game so I closed my eyes for a minute.  I didn't mean to fall asleep but when sounds of truck playing turned into silence I knew I had dozed off.  I woke up with a start and realized Jack wasn't there.  I called to him.  He came running in and I noticed he was covered in a white substance.  "What is all over your clothes?" I asked.  Jack looked down at his shirt and then back up at me and said in a "matter of fact" sort of way, "Well...you supposed to be watching me."  What the???  How does he know he can use my guilt against me?  I laughed...hard.

A few other cute Jackisms...

While I was doing my hair Jack came in all furrow browed and with his arms folded asked.  "Mom, why do you trap me in here?"  When I realized he was asking me this after he had attempted (after seeing that I was pre occupied with getting ready for the day) to escape the house and go outside.  His efforts had been thwarted by our child safety door handles.

A couple of days ago I was playing a game with Jack.  I would give him three instructions and then he would carry them out. (simple, but fun)
"Ok Jack.  Go touch the front door, then come back and give me a hug, then stand on one foot and say "I love my Mom!"
Jack ran away excitedly to touch the front door.  Then he ran back and gave me a hug.  Then he looked at his feet and placed his right foot on top of his left foot..(so technically he was standing on one foot) and yelled  "I love my Mom!"
He is such an adorable creature that I can't get enough of!!!

How Jack got some popcorn from Target

Mom:  Jack, I need to go to Target.  Do you want to come?
Jack: Yes!  And I can get some popcorn when we are there!
Mom:  No, remember how the popcorn salt gives your lips owies. (for some reason his lips have a strange reaction to the MASSIVE amounts of salt and artificial butter they put on their popcorn.)
Jack: No, but Mom...Do you know what I love about my body?  I love that when I get blisters they can peal off all by their selves and then I am healed.  So ya...I should have some popcorn.

Be Mine

This week, because it is the week of LOVE, I decided to have us all choose a "secret" Valentine. Ellie put all our names in a cup and we have been doing something nice for the person we chose every day. Valentines Day is on Tues. and we will reveal who our Valentine is at our special dinner that night. So far the nice things that have been reported are:

Casie received a poptart with a note saying "I love you" on it.

Dad received a plate of bananas with a note saying "I love you" on it.

Ellie received an after school snack and a hug and kiss.

Someone added a "clothing budget" to my phones budget app and has been adding a bit each day.

Someone bought Jack a special toy.

Someone took Casie's babysitting job so she could go to the movies with her friends.

Hmmm...after going through this list, I think Annie might have herself. I guess we will find out on Tues.

Big Words

Jack: (Holding up a paper towel)  Mom, is this comfortable?
Me: I don't know, why don't you lay on it and tell me.
Jack: (after placing his head on the paper towel) hmm..Unfortunately, it is not.

The Sunday Funnies

When the day starts out humors, it very well likely may end humorously.

This morning I woke up to Jack plugging my noes and saying, "Talk Mom...try to talk."  It was only 6 am but he was wired.  The next thing out of his mouth was, "Mom, look...I can give myself a hug...but Mom,...can I give myself a kiss?"

His funniness carried over into church.

Jack's Sunbeam teacher came up to me today and related this story.

Sunbeam Teacher: Jack, what does your daddy do for a job?
Jack: My Mom and Dad are truck drivers.

On that occupational note I will share a conversation I had with Ellie a couple of days ago.

Ellie: (after arriving home from school) Mom, doesn't Dad work for something EXPRESS?
Me: Yes, he works for American Express.
Ellie: Oh..whoops..today I told my whole class that he worked for Panda Express.

Maybe a little TOO smart phone.

Lately (since I am not the best speller and cause I'm a little lazy) I have been dictating my text messages into my phone.  Usually it correctly transcribes what I say, and it's definitely a better speller than I am.  Although sometimes I think my phone is secretly trying to take over my world...(in it's own small conniving way) I always have to check very carefully before I send out my messages lest my phones attempts to sabotage my relationships succeed.  I have had some hilarious typos that might have been very awkward had they reached their recipient un-checked.

WHAT I SAID: (to my director friend) Hey, we loved the show last night! My girls wanted to come again but I had to tell them it was over.
WHAT MY PHONE TRANSLATED: Hey, we loved the show last night!  My girls wanted to come again but I had to tell them it was boring.

WHAT I SAID: I can drive.  We can all pile into my car.
WHAT MY PHONE TRANSLATED: I can drive.  We can all puke into my car.


WHAT I SAID: Hi.  Would you please play the organ for Stake Conference?
WHAT MY PHONE TRANSLATED:  Hi.  Would you please play the orgasm for Stake Conference?

Ya, my phone hates me. 

Perfect timing

Mike pulled out a box of pictures and letters from his mission tonight.  In that box we found this treasure of a picture.  It has an awesome story that goes along with it.

Mike and his companion were at an elderly sisters home for lunch.  While she was out of the room getting them some refreshments, Mike and his companion noticed she had left her ULTRA thick glasses sitting on the table.  They decided it would be hilarious to take a picture of themselves wearing her glasses.  In this picture you will see that right when Mike took the picture of his companion, the sister returned to with the food.  I can't express how happy the look on his companions face makes me.  I also love how you can see the woman in the corner of the picture.  Priceless.

The Big Apple of my eye

It's official.  I should just buy a t-shirt now.  I can join the millions who say.  I LOVE NEW YORK.  Wow, what an amazing city.  All I heard about it was true.  But let me back up....

Ever since I was a child I have had dreams...no, night mares about New York City.  Let us keep in mind I grew up in Delta Utah.  Population (including the jack rabbits) around 30,000.  Salt Lake City was always known in my mind as "The big City".

Even into my adult years I would dream about being lost, mugged, and lost again in NYC.

Right before Christmas Mike told me he would be taking a business trip to New York and I asked if I could come along.  And listen to this all you Delta-ites and all you nightmares....I went! AND...(read this next part like a proud new potty trainee).. I went ALL -BY- MYSELF.  (Mike flew out Tues for business and I joined him on Thurs.)  I took a cab from the airport to the hotel and met Mike there.   Seriously, it is a trip I will never forget.  I loved every minute of it.  We had some grand adventures like going to the Statue of Liberty on a day when icy wind gusts got up to 45 mph.  We were so cold we could only look at each other and laugh.

We also went to two Broadway shows.  Spiderman and the Lion King.  Both were simply amazing.

We went to the 9-11 memorial fountains.  There truly was a feeling that we were walking on hallowed ground.  It was surreal to see images and be in the place were the two towers fell.  I was really glad we were able to see it and pay our respects to those who perished in the terrorist attacks.

One of the main things I took away from my trip is how small and insignificant I am.  Wow, there are a lot of people in the world!  What a vast and diverse human race.  That was one of my favorite parts about my trip.  The people.  I was super impressed with all the kindness we saw while we were there.  I saw so many small acts of kindness.  It seemed like people really were looking out for each other....oh, and on a not so kind note, I was really hoping I would have an opportunity to almost get hit by a car and so I could pound on their hood and yell, "HEY!....I'm walkin' here!"  I would have felt very New Yorky if I could have done that.

I am glad to be home.  It's always hard to be away from my kids.  Rich and Melissa babysat for us. (the dears)  Jack was only two weeks sober..(from his binky) and didn't have great nights.

I have heard that one vacation together a year is better for your marriage than a date night every week.  I actually think I believe that!  I had such a great time with Mike.  He isn't a timid traveler and I love that.  I think he was born to figure out public transportation.    So,...Thanks Mike, for making none of my dreams come true. :-)

PS  I know this post should be FULL of pictures from our trip.  Shame on me!  But here's the thing, Mike wanted to make a Spinners Documentary about our trip...(which is a whole different post about our adventures with the video camera...here are a few possible post titles about those adventures. "New Yorkers wonder why the strange couple is filming themselves (with tri-pod) while eating."  or.."Woman freezes to death while husband gets multiple camera shots of Rockefeller. "  Anyway, our trip is WELL documented visually with video, but not so much with pictures. :-(

She's wearing her Dad's genes

Casie came home from school today and announced that she had got the high score on her math test.  In fact her teacher announced, "The whole class will need to retake the math test, except for Casie.  She got 19 out of 22 and some of you got 2 out of 22."  So proud her!  I can't take an ounce of credit though.  For example she needed help on some math homework last night.  She came up to me and said, "Where's Dad?"  I told her he had fallen asleep with Jack.  She disappointingly said, "Oh" and walked away.  She has learned it's futile to come to me with math papers.  Sorry Casie.  I hope I can contribute to your upbringing in different ways.  She was up early this morning and I helped her out by awaking the slumbering math whiz who was sweet enough, in the wee hours of the morn, to help her out.  

Teaching

Jack is quite the little sponge.  He is getting smarter by the second.  This evening he overheard me getting frustrated with Ellie because she keeps hitting.  I threatened her by saying, "Fine Ellie, if you keep hitting I will make a shirt for you that says, "I hit three year olds" and make you wear it to school."  Casie and Annie thought that was funny and we ended up making (in our minds) shirts that I would "make" the girls wear to school.  Annie's shirt would say, "I don't know how to close the kitchen cupboards,"  Casie's shirt would say, "I wet my pants."  (she doesn't really, but we thought it would be a funny shirt.)   So anyway, when I put Jack to bed tonight, he started asking me for a drink of water.  I tried to convince him that he didn't need a drink...(because I was on the brink of falling asleep and didn't feel like getting up.)  After hearing me deny his request for a drink he said, "Fine..I will make you a shirt that says, "I don't listen".  It made me laugh.  It also made me wake up enough to go get him a drink.

Another funny thing Jack does is tattle by saying, "Mom, Ellie teached me potty words." or "Mom Annie teached me to say kill."  It's hilarious because he acts like his free will is taken away and he has no choice but to used the words his sisters "teached" him.   Yesterday he was sitting on the stairs playing by himself when he called up to me. "Mom, is it ok to teach myself to say stupid?"
What an entertaining boy we have. 

Brown out...

Sorry, that title just made me laugh....

Ok, so this all started because my house was BROWN!  Brown carpet, brown walls, brown couches, brown-diddy-brown, brown, brown.  So, I says to myself I says..."Self, let's spice up them walls with a little splash of colorfulyness..." (don't you talk to yourself in backwoods/ goofy?... I do.)  So, one thing has led to another and I now have a house that resembles McDonalds.  I am not going to post pictures until I hang up something on the walls.  I am hoping wall hangings will break up the bold, bright, super-size me colors. I honestly kind of like it.  I am not sure if that's because I have made my bed and I am determined to sleep in it, or if it really has some potential.  But for my house I will say this;  It's not so brown anymore.

PS...It's Dec.  Do you know what that means?  It means Mike will be gone a lot!  Perhaps I will spew forth my strange and mostly uninteresting thoughts and feelings on this blog since my number one listener of them will be gone entertaining MILLIONS of adoring fans this Christmas.

Oh, and here's a little story to tie both of these paragraphs together.  I found it humorous.  I hope Mike won't mind me recording it....

Yesterday I came down to find Annie and Ellie sitting at the kitchen table begrudgingly and numerously writing, " We will put up the Christmas tree when Mom is done painting."  Apparently Mike got sick of them asking and asking him to put up the tree.  We had both told them MANY times that they tree would go up the second I was done.  I don't know why it made me laugh.  Maybe because it was an ironic way to start off "the most wonderful time of the year. " ha ha.  Luckily for them I should be completely done by Saturday.   We will put up our tree on Sunday.

A sweet conversation

Jack: Mom, when will Jesus come again?  Do you think he is on his way? Will he come all by his self?
Me:  I don't know when he is coming, but it can't be too far off.  I think he will come with lots and lots of Angels.
Jack: Do you think he will come to our house?
Me:  Maybe.  Maybe he will bring baby Max to our house.
Jack: Then we better make Jesus a bed.  We can make it really really big.  Then I can sleep here...and baby Max can sleep by me..and Jesus can sleep on the other side.