Home Dedication

Finally I am getting around to doing this post!  We had such a wonderful FHE when we dedicated our home.  We began by Mike welcoming us to FHE.  Then we sang The Spirit of God as our opening hymn.  Casie then gave us a talk on why we want our home to be like the Temple.  She said she always feels peace and safe when she is at the temple and wanted to always feel that way when she was at home.  Then Annie showed us her temple she made out of paper cups and paper.  She also asked to bare her testimony.  It was really sweet.  Then we had a musical number by Annie, Mom, and Dad.  I totally messed up the harmony so we won't speak too much about it at this time.   Then Ellie gave her talk on how we can keep our house like the temple.  She said we should always pick up after ourselves and be nice to each other.  Then Mike got up and dedicated our house.  I felt the spirit so strongly as he prayed.  I felt the familiar feeling of Max's spirit along with others enter the second Mike started to pray.  It was so beautiful and so touching to have such a wonderful feeling in our home.  In the prayer Mike blessed our home to be a place of peace and happiness.  He also dedicated it as a safe haven from the world.  He blessed us as a family to do the things that would help us feel the Spirit, and to also have it be a place where Max's spirit could be felt as well.  I am grateful that Mike is a worthy priesthood holder and was able to bless our home with such power.


Here are a few of our pictures from the dedication, as well as the few prior FHE's we had in preparation for the dedication. 

Scrubbing walls in Annie and Ellie's room

Jack looking at the Temple fountains

Annie writing in her Journal on the Temple Grounds

Annie and Ellie....huddling together for warmth.

Ellie holding up her talk.  We waited until after the service to take pictures.:-)

Annie and her temple

Casie

I unveiled this surprise after the dedication.  It's on the wall in the Family room.

Grandma Madsen and Dave Degraw came to the dedication.  AND.......

Took us out for ice cream afterwards!

Sad Music

Is it healthy to do things that make you feel sad?  Tonight I listened to the song that played on the video during Max's funeral.  Hearing it brought a flood of sadness and painful memories straight to the surface.  It's like that song is the slightest knock of a hammer that breaks my heart all over again.  I feel just like I did three months ago,... wondering how I can live without my son.  How can I go one more minute without kissing his soft cheek or rubbing his fuzzy little head.  Was listening to that song really a good thing for me to do?  Because in a way, I guess it's really just helping me mourn and helps me open the flood gates to my heart.  Max is always on my mind, but I haven't sobbed for him in a long time.  It feels good to cry for him...in a painful sort of way.  I've said it before, but Max is worth every tear I cry for him.  He is worth every thought I have of him.  He's worth every effort it takes to cope with his loss.
I know I will feel better tomorrow.  I feel better now as I write.  Every so often I need to publicly share my feelings about Max.  I feel like just in case he can't read my mind and know the countless times I think of him, I want him to know that I love him and miss him.

Family night and a bit of a potty mouth

A couple of weeks ago I realized that we had not dedicated our home.  It gave me an idea to focus our next couple of FHEs on preparing ourselves, and our home to be dedicated.  I decided to do this in Phases.

WEEK 1 Cleaning (The kids love it when we clean for family night!) 

Instead of pulling out the old whip to get the kids moving, we started by discussing and reading this scripture together:

"Organize yourselves.  Prepare every needful thing and establish a house.  Even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God."

I asked them to look around their rooms (which were particularly messy) and said, "Do you think a Queen would live in a place like this?"  Of course they laughed and said "No way!"  Then I asked if they thought God would like to live in a place like this.  Again, they concluded that he would not.  I then proceeded to explain that because they are children of God, they can be Queens someday. I told them they deserved more than to live in such a mess.  They were worth much more to their Heavenly Father and he wanted the best for them. 
Before we started cleaning, we said a prayer.  Unlike most of our cleaning adventures, I really felt the Spirit and I think that they did too.  We then spent the next couple of hours cleaning and organizing their rooms until they were perfect.  I kept reminding them that we were trying to get their room ready to feel like the temple.  One funny (but true) line I kept asking as we washed their walls was, "Girls, do you think there are boogies all over the temple walls?....get a tissue!)  Other then that, I was pretty patient with them. :-)

WEEK 2 Memorizing
The next week we didn't have tons of time for FHE.  I decided to have the kids memorize the scripture we had read together the previous week.  We all sat in a circle, and I assigned each of the girls a line from the scripture.  They had to come up with some sort of action to go along with their line. 

We all started by saying the first line together (and yes we started to sound like a scary cult, but it was funny and it worked.)...Organize yourselves.  Prepare every needful thing and establish a house,......
Then Ellie folded her arms and said, "Even a house of prayer"
I rubbed my stomach and said, "A house of fasting"
Mike raised his hands to heaven and said, " A house of faith"
Casie made a book with her hands and said in a nerdy voice, "A house of learning"
Annie punched her arm pits (??...we gave no rules on what the sign had to be) and said "A house of Glory"
Then Jack was supposed to say "A house of order" but he just ran around playing, so we just knew where he was supposed to say it and pretended to organize something for our sign.
Then we all stood up and raised our hands to the sky and said, "A house of God!"  Then we all brought our hands down and bowed our heads solemnly. It was funny and corny. 
We then mixed up our circle. The action and line stayed with the place, but we all sat somewhere different each time.  We kept doing this until all the kids had the scripture memorized.  Each of us stood up at the end and recited the entire scripture by ourselves.  
The kids really liked it and we now all know a scripture that will hopefully remind our family of how we want our home to be.

Week  3 Visiting the Temple
This was our FHE last night.  It didn't turn out as well as I wanted it to because it was cold.  We brought our journals to the Temple and wrote down how we felt while we were on the temple grounds and how each person thought we could make our home feel more like the temple.  Like I said, it was cold, so we really just walked around, wrote a sentence, and ran back to the car.  Maybe it would have been better a little earlier.  Oh well, it was still nice. 

Here is the potty mouth part......
On the way home from the temple I asked the kids to recite the scripture they had learned the previous week.  After they got done, we heard Jacks little voice say, "A house of tooting...." 
We laughed our heads off. 

So this next Monday is the big day!  We are going to get dressed in our church clothes and have a special dedication service. I assigned each of the girls a topic to talk about.  Then Mike will say the prayer, and I will unveil a big surprise!  Hopefully it all turns out the way I hope it will.  And I hope we can all start to feel heaven a little more in our home. 

DO buy fat pants....as long as they are cute.

For a while I had made up my mind to not buy any clothes until I could fit into the size I wanted.  Where did that get me?  Frumpy, grumpy, and depressed.   Two days ago I went to Kohl's and bought some pants that fit me now!  By some miracle,  I also found about 7 shirts that I loved!  (I have a serious shopping handicap and rarely am able to find cute clothes without someone telling me they are cute)  How foolish I was to put off buying cute clothes.  Feeling good and looking good are great motivators to keep going.  I am more determined than ever to continue on this feeling better journey. :-)

PS  I am starting to enjoy working out....just a little.

PPS  Mike informed me that I have been spelling the word loss, LOOSE.  I will not go back and change them.  It is just another way to show I am growing and improving a little every day. lol

PPS  I originally posted this on the wrong blog, but oh well. :-)  It was supposed to make it's debut on 30 seconds to slim, not on this blog, but I guess it doesn't matter. 

FHE Feb 21 Top Secret Service

After getting home from a wonderful vacation in CA, (pictures and details might show up on the blog eventually, but we got tons of footage and are turning it into a documentary for the Spinners film festival so I won't feel too bad if I don't post about it here.)  We are settled back in and had a great family night tonight.  First we did a little "ropes coarse" type game.  Mike and I played this game as part of a unity building activity in an Improv troop we are in..(pictures and details may show up on this blog as well.)  I folded a blanket to be the size of a 2X4, (in the other game we used a real board) and then the whole family stood on it.  The object was to get the first and the last person to trade places with out falling off the blanket.  If anyone touched the carpet we had to start all over.  It required everyone to help each other by catching them if they were about fall, or holding their hand as they passed by.  It took us a while, but we finally accomplished our goal.  Then (surprise surprise) we had a lesson on family unity.  We talked about helping each other out in different situations.  For example if someone in your family is searching for a lost item, it would be nice if everyone helped out.  Or if someone was acting grumpy, you could do things to cheer them up.  We talked about how a family is a team and we all need to work together to make our home happy.  I started trying to make a sports analogy, but ended up laughing because we are so not sports people so it wasn't really sinking in.  We then each looked up a scripture on service and read about how we can find happiness in serving one another and also how serving our family is like serving Heavenly Father. 

After our lesson, we began our top secret activity we had been planning.  This morning I gathered the girls and told them we were going to have a Daddy Appreciation night.  Mike had worked so hard planning our vacation.  He printed maps, shopped for food, cooked the food, drove the WHOLE time, and of course, worked so hard so that we could pay for our trip.  We told him to go take a shower, (because he was all sweaty from playing basket ball) and we set up a spa for him.  We lit candles, turned on relaxing music, filled up the foot bath and got some lotion to rub his feet with.  Then the girls pampered him.  One was brushing his hair, one was rubbing his feet, and one was massaging his back.  I went down and made some cookies with Jack.  We also made him a card that we all told him how much we loved and appreciate him.  The girls loved it, and I am pretty sure Mike did too! 

Two year old BOY

Oh boy.  Oh boy. Oh boy...am I having fun raising this little boy of mine.  One of my favorite things to do is note the personality difference between him and my girls.  For example.....

When my girls were two, I tenderly taught them to fold washcloths.  They would spend hours...(well, maybe more like minutes and minutes), carefully matching the corners together, then matching the corners together again, then softly adding them to their perfect little washcloth pile.  Often, once the pile was completed, they would unfold them all and start over.  Occasionally the washcloths would turn into a sleeping bag for their dolly.  Either way, it usually bought me the time I needed to complete the load of laundry I was folding.  Yesterday I tried to teach Jack to fold a washcloth.  After sloppily matching the corners together he picked it up, wadded it into a ball, and chucked it across the room.  Then he was off to his next adventure. 

Last night as I was tucking Jack in, I tried to start a game of "Favorite things."  I got him to answer that "Red" was his favorite color, and that "noodles" was his favorite food.  After that, I guess he got bored because suddenly he cut me off and said, "Mom, let's talk about poop."  

I am so glad I have both boys and girls.  Both genders provide me with much entertainment. :-)

FHE Feb 7, 2011

Wow...Maybe this blog is going to turn into a FHE blog. :-) 


Tonight we were invited to the home of a wonderful family in our ward for Family Night.  They were so sweet and planned a lesson geared towards our young children, even though their kids are teenagers.  We spoke about being kind, and following Christs example of kindness to those around us.  They hung up a big poster board and had everyone in the room write down something that shows kindness.  Then they showed some pictures and had the kids decided if the picture depicted kindness, or unkindness.  I had a picture of some teenage girl watching an older lady struggling to roll her wheelchair up a hill.  (that was an example of UN kindness) 
  Then we played a game called, "Don't eat Pete!"  I had never played it before, and the girls really enjoyed it.  Mostly because candy was involved.  There was a paper with 12 different faces in 12 different boxes on it.  We put a piece of candy on each of the faces and sent one person out of the room.  Then the rest of us decided which face would be "Pete".  Then the person who was sent out comes back in and starts choosing candy.  When they get to "Pete" we all scream,(and I mean SCREAM) "Don't eat Pete!!"  It got a little ridiculous how loudly we screamed, but it made it really fun.  Poor Annie chose Pete the very first try, on both of her turns.  It was funny.

I forgot how enjoyable FHE can be when you invite another family to join.  Their example has inspired Mike and I to try inviting other families to join us once in a while.:-)

FHE Jan 31

I have decided to record our Family Home Evenings on this blog.  Partly to share with others any good ideas about FHE, and mostly so I can look back when my kids are rotten teenagers and say, "Hey, at least I tried" :-)

Monday turned out to be a busy one for us.  Casie had a meeting for the new play she is in...(Joseph and the Amazing TCDC...she is Dan's wife...go Casie!)  So we had a late start for FHE.  I was determined to do it though.  I dropped Casie off at home (to start on her home work) and took Ellie and Jack to the store to buy a FHE treat.  I made the mistake of telling Ellie she could choose whatever treat she wanted.  How could I have been so foolish?  Did I not remember who I was talking to?  Needless to say, Ellie was thrilled beyond measure.  She took this job very seriously.   I think she would have fasted and prayed about her decision if there had been time...(and if by fasting I mean she could still eat whatever she wanted)...but she finally wandered over to the bakery.  Once her eyes rested upon the $16 Oreo cake in the glass case, it was love at first sight.  If I hadn't told her she could choose WHATEVER she wanted, I might have guided her toward a cheap pack of cookies...but I didn't want to go back on my word.  Plus, I knew she would remember that experience for a long time.  Sixteen dollars is worth a memory of a time when your Mom was nice right?  So into our cart the Oreo cake went.  And home we went with a VERY excited Ellie. 

FHE consisted of us sitting around the table eating cake and reading a chapter from the BOM.  Afterwards, Mike and I took a few minutes to tell the kids good things we had noticed about them, as well as giving them each an individual challenge to better themselves.

Casie: We told her how proud we were of her for being so responsible.  She always does her homework and does it well.  She gets herself up and out the door in the morning.  We also mentioned that we love how she rarely complains about doing her jobs.  We love how we can ask her for favors and she jumps to them.   Lastly we challenged her to read the New Era every month.  I asked that she spend a little less time on the computer and a little more time doing her Personal Progress.

Annie:  I shared with her that I noticed a nice thing she had done a couple days prior.  We had picked up one of her friends for a play date.  Her friend had brought some pictures she had drawn to show Annie.  Annie gushed and gushed over the drawings her friend had done.  She gave her sincere compliments and told her what a good artist she was.  I told Annie that I could tell her friend was pleased that Annie liked them so much.  I told her that it probably meant a lot to her because she (Annie) was such a good artist.  Mike told Annie she was very caring and thoughtful.  We challenged her to say her personal prayers at night.

Ellie:  I told her that she is a leader.  She has the ability to make friends very quickly.  She is always organizing clubs and planning parties.  We told her that good leaders do good things with their skills.  We told her we were proud of her for inviting one of her friends to church with her because that's what leaders do.  We also complimented her on her happiness.  We are impressed with her happy attitude towards life and told her she was a fun person to be around.  We challenged her to listen to Mom and Dad the first time they ask her to do something, and to be obedient even when no one was looking.  I think our talk had an effect on Ellie. Yesterday she came home and said that one of her friends told her not to be friends with one of the other little girls in the class.  Ellie told her friend that she wanted to be friends with everyone, because she wanted to be a leader.  She also informed me that she and her friend decided that being a leader meant that you were the boss....we'll talk.

Jack: Jack was running around playing with a Balloon at the time of FHE, but we called to him across the room and told him that we loved his sincerity. Whenever he says "sorry" or "thanks" or "I love you", he always does it very sincerely.  That's not something you can teach a child.  We told him that we also loved his silliness and his snuggles.

Max:  I couldn't end FHE without mentioning Max.  I told the girls that I was so proud of Max for the choices he made before he came to our family.  I told them that he was so righteous that Heavenly Father needed him to come home and be a worker on the other side.  I told the girls I was grateful that we all had an example of choosing the right and doing what Heavenly Father wants you to do.  I am grateful for the example Max has been to our family. 

I guess I didn't give Max a challenge.  But I will challenge myself and my family to try and live in a way that will help us feel close to Max.  When I feel the Holy Ghost in our home, I feel close to Max.  When I do the things that bring me closer to my Savior, I feel close to Max.  When I try to be patient and loving with my children, I feel close to Max.  When I read my scriptures and pray, I feel close to Max.  That boy will make a better person of me yet....

Cute kids

Just a few little funnies to remember.

Ellie, shortly after coming home from school: "Mom, my life got really complicated today"

Ellie, looking at herself after I did her hair. "Wow...I clean up good"

Jack, after I asked why he threw his chips on the ground. "I was feeding the chickens"

Jack is also starting to use the word "Actually" a lot.  It cracks me up.

Taking the crib down

Since my thoughts are pretty much dominated by Max lately, I wanted to post another excerpt from his blog.

Yesterday, I took Max's crib down. I remember when I was putting it up. It was the same crib we used for Casie, Annie, Ellie, and Jack. I remember thinking that it had served us well through the years. It had held our most precious possessions. As I put it up again for Max, I pictured him asleep with his arms straight up by his ears. I love it when they sleep that way. I pictured picking him up after his nap while his little back arched in a stretch and his little lips pursed at the same time. Mike and I always laugh when they do that.



Yesterday, as the first screw came out, I broke into tears. Such a sad feeling overwhelmed me as I thought about what I had lost. Reality hit me for the millionth time that Max wasn't going to be part of my earthly life. As I hung up the pictures of us below Max's name I cried again. When Mike and I spent that fun afternoon painting his name, this is not what I had intended to use it for. As a memorial to my sweet baby.

Right after Max passed away, I knew I wanted to use his room as a special room for our family. A place we could gather and play, and talk, and read our scriptures, and feel peace. Once the crib was down, I did feel a strong feeling of peace. My sadness went away and I knew this would always be a sacred place where we can feel close to Max. Where we can draw closer to our Savior and where we will grow closer as a family.

Smallest Wingless

Dear son, we've been waiting for you


Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived

White coats came in, heads held low

Talked for a bit, shuffled outside

We closed the curtains,

Held each other,

And cried

We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.

And smallest wingless, oh you came to us

Leaving as soon as you'd arrived

But sadness is just love wasted

With no heart to place it inside

We closed the curtains,

Held each other,

And cried

We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.

We closed the curtains

Held on to one another

And cried

We said hello at the same time that we said goodbye.

~Craig Cardiff
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxcLm4ZA45E

Another Excerpt....

Here is another excerpt from my blog about Max I'd like recorded on this blog.

I couldn't really get Jack excited about having a baby in the house during my pregnancy. The only thing he ever really noticed is that there was less and less room on my lap for him. Every time we would read books he would say, "Baby is pushing me off" He never called him Max or even acted excited about his arrival. I didn't think too much about it because Jack is only two. One strange thing I did notice is that Jack started being very sensitive to music. Each time I would try to sing him a song about a baby he would break out crying. I'm not talking about a few tears, I'm talking about a quivering chin, turned down bottom lip and full out sobbing. It baffled me and Mike. We had no idea what the matter was. I figured Jack was just going to be a very sensitive little boy. I now wonder if Jack knew about Max's mission before any of the rest of us did.



After Max passed away Jack became even more sensitive to music. He cried anytime a primary song or any song that had a hint of melancholy was played.


Today while Jack and I were playing trains we had a special experience. Jack pointed to me and said, "You are baby Max." (he hadn't mentioned Max for weeks) He then preceded to play as if I were baby Max. He even talked to me in a sweet high pitched voice, just like you would to a baby. He said, "Come on baby Max...get on the train." "I will help you baby Max because you too little." "I'm gonna take you to the Temple baby Max." "I will open the door for you baby Max, cause you too little." I truly believe that in Jack's mind he was playing with his little brother. It made me cry. Partly because they will never play in this life. When we found out we were having a boy I was so excited. Jack is the youngest by about 5 years and the thought of giving him a little brother was such a perfect way to end our family. I had such dreams of seeing these two grow up together. I always joked that Jack and Max sounded like a duo that could get into lots of mischief together. I pictured them as best buddies. I pictured dressing them in matching overalls. I pictured them playing Basket ball with Mike. I pictured them out on their missions at the same time. Jack would have been such a sweet older brother. He showed me that today. But it also touched me to see that these two boys must have been friends in pre-existence. I believe that Jack's spirit remembers his brother. I wonder if Jack's two year old little mind is just having a hard time processing what his spirit is feeling. I think Jack feels especially close to Max when he hears music. I like to think that the two of them sang duets before they were born. I had warned Jack's nursery teachers about a possible break down during music time. They informed me that last week Jack sobbed during I am a child of God. They both had tears in their eyes as they spoke of the spirit they felt during the song. I now think that back when I was wondering why Jack would cry during music, did he know he would loose his brother? Did he feel the loss even before it happened? I feel like Jack is being blessed to feel Max's presence. Even after I was done pretending to be baby Max, Jack kept playing with him. He even pretended to pick him up and put him on the train. What a sweet thing for me to witness. In an old post I mourned that my two boys wouldn't ever play trains together. Today I think they got that chance.

As a funny side note, while I was pretending to be Max, I was singing a silly song about a train. Jack looked at me and said, "Knock it off baby Max". We both laughed. If that's not an older brother speaking to his younger brother, I don't know what is. :-)

Even the smart ones......

After a good 5 minutes of Annie explaining to me the requirements of her "Utah Mammal" report she had coming up, I asked her what animal she would like to do her report on.

After a good 3 seconds of thought...(thank goodness) she decided she would like to do it on Whales. 

After a good 6 seconds of us laughing at her, she decided maybe a mountain lion would be a better idea.

(she laughed at herself too...:-)

A very good friend of mine lost her sweet baby the day after we lost Max. We set up a blog that we both contribute to. It's been a way to share our feelings with someone who knows exactly what we are going through. It's been very therapeutic for me, and I hope she has found comfort in it as well. I wanted to share an excerpt from one of my entries. Mostly because I want this blog to represent my true feelings at this time and the longing I have for my little baby.




"I was thinking about the day when I will see Max again. I sincerely hope that all the longing I have right now will return to me. That my arms and heart will ache just as intensely as they do now.  And then as I sit in sorrow and pain, a loved one will walk into the room and give me my baby. I will finally get to hold the one I long so much for. I will have my deep need met, and my sadness will change to pure joy. I will kiss the face I long to kiss, and let his tiny hand hold my finger, and I will pat his little back and rock him until he falls asleep. And I will never ever have to let him go again. "

Popular

Since getting her barbies for Christmas, I have heard the word "Popular" thrown around in Ellie's play vocabulary.

 "This is a popular girl."

 "....let's say that all the popular girls come to the party..." 

Tonight I asked Ellie what she thought that popular meant.  She said, "Being really pretty and bossing people around."

I had to explain that being popular was being very nice and kind to those around you. 

Later when Annie came home from her friends house, I asked her the same question.  Her response was, "Wearing really cute clothes and being the cutest girl in the school"

 Me: No Annie, being popular means that you are a very nice person and you treat others kindly.
Annie: Really?  Did you look that up on-line? 

Baby Max

Although I will not use this blog as an outlet for sharing my sacred feelings about our precious boy, I don't want his birth and death to go undocumented on this blog. Especially as I intend to print it and use it as a journal for my family and future family to read. I will give a short account of the things that happened, and only a small small account of all the things I feel and love about my precious baby boy.

Max Raymond Bearden was born to us on Dec 17th. I hadn't been feeling a lot of movement and had decided to go and get monitored. They found an even heart rate, but it wasn't fluctuating like they would have liked, and the doctors decided to induce labor. Max was born without a pulse and he wasn't breathing. After 45 min of CPR they got his heart pumping and were able to life flight him to Primary Children's Hospital. The rest of the story is sacred to me, and I will write it down in a journal that I am keeping, but Max passed away in my arms on Sunday, Dec 19th 2010.

Words can't express the emptiness we feel at his loss. I miss him every second. I so looked forward to holding my soft warm baby for hours and hours. We are so blessed and grateful to have him for eternity. We know we will see him again. Thank you Max for everything you did for me and your family both in life and in death. We miss you so much. We so looked forward to adding you to our earthly family. While we don't always understand why you had to leave, we have felt comforted and know this was Heavenly Fathers will for you. We wish this was enough to fill the void of not having you. Maybe someday it will. We love you Max.

I guess Mike had a bad day too...

Today Jack woke up and told me about something Daddy said to him yesterday:

(Shaking his little pointer finger)..."Jack...you det back to bed!"

This incident happened while I was at the store. Jack was throwing a fit and had to sit on my bed while he calmed down. Apparently he came out before Mike thought he was ready.


*Disclaimer: Mike has no recollection of ever shaking his finger at Jack and telling him to get back to bed.

I have ONE bad day.......

Yesterday was not my most patient and loving day. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and STAYED there! Too bad I have a two year old with a really good memory. The first story out of his mouth this morning went as follows:

"Mom..you fro my sandwich away...and you put me in the bafroom...and you hear me cry in the bafroom....and you fro my sandwich away."

I had lost patience with him because he wouldn't eat his sandwich, but just wanted to scrape off the peanut butter. He had to spend some time in time-out...which is in the bathroom. Why can't they remember all the good things I do???

Y

Jack, like the rest of my children, doesn't like the crusts of his toast. This morning he piled them up and informed me that they were, "having a little party."