Here is another excerpt from my blog about Max I'd like recorded on this blog.
I couldn't really get Jack excited about having a baby in the house during my pregnancy. The only thing he ever really noticed is that there was less and less room on my lap for him. Every time we would read books he would say, "Baby is pushing me off" He never called him Max or even acted excited about his arrival. I didn't think too much about it because Jack is only two. One strange thing I did notice is that Jack started being very sensitive to music. Each time I would try to sing him a song about a baby he would break out crying. I'm not talking about a few tears, I'm talking about a quivering chin, turned down bottom lip and full out sobbing. It baffled me and Mike. We had no idea what the matter was. I figured Jack was just going to be a very sensitive little boy. I now wonder if Jack knew about Max's mission before any of the rest of us did.
After Max passed away Jack became even more sensitive to music. He cried anytime a primary song or any song that had a hint of melancholy was played.
Today while Jack and I were playing trains we had a special experience. Jack pointed to me and said, "You are baby Max." (he hadn't mentioned Max for weeks) He then preceded to play as if I were baby Max. He even talked to me in a sweet high pitched voice, just like you would to a baby. He said, "Come on baby Max...get on the train." "I will help you baby Max because you too little." "I'm gonna take you to the Temple baby Max." "I will open the door for you baby Max, cause you too little." I truly believe that in Jack's mind he was playing with his little brother. It made me cry. Partly because they will never play in this life. When we found out we were having a boy I was so excited. Jack is the youngest by about 5 years and the thought of giving him a little brother was such a perfect way to end our family. I had such dreams of seeing these two grow up together. I always joked that Jack and Max sounded like a duo that could get into lots of mischief together. I pictured them as best buddies. I pictured dressing them in matching overalls. I pictured them playing Basket ball with Mike. I pictured them out on their missions at the same time. Jack would have been such a sweet older brother. He showed me that today. But it also touched me to see that these two boys must have been friends in pre-existence. I believe that Jack's spirit remembers his brother. I wonder if Jack's two year old little mind is just having a hard time processing what his spirit is feeling. I think Jack feels especially close to Max when he hears music. I like to think that the two of them sang duets before they were born. I had warned Jack's nursery teachers about a possible break down during music time. They informed me that last week Jack sobbed during I am a child of God. They both had tears in their eyes as they spoke of the spirit they felt during the song. I now think that back when I was wondering why Jack would cry during music, did he know he would loose his brother? Did he feel the loss even before it happened? I feel like Jack is being blessed to feel Max's presence. Even after I was done pretending to be baby Max, Jack kept playing with him. He even pretended to pick him up and put him on the train. What a sweet thing for me to witness. In an old post I mourned that my two boys wouldn't ever play trains together. Today I think they got that chance.
As a funny side note, while I was pretending to be Max, I was singing a silly song about a train. Jack looked at me and said, "Knock it off baby Max". We both laughed. If that's not an older brother speaking to his younger brother, I don't know what is. :-)
